


Before the Storm

by Jollytr



Category: Into The Storm (2014), Richard Armitage - Fandom
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Family Drama, Family Feels, Hope, Original Character Death(s), Richard Armitage - Freeform, Richard Armitage Fan Fiction, Richard Armitage/OFC - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-25
Updated: 2014-11-25
Packaged: 2018-02-18 17:08:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 20,502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2356049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jollytr/pseuds/Jollytr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>On Silverton High School's graduation day Donnie Fuller is trapped in a pit quickly filling with water.  He tells his friend Katelyn about his regrets and the wedges between him and his family.   Before the Storm follows the Fuller family from their beginnings up until graduation day 2014.   </p><p>"In the case of Gary Morris, the most important thing was his family history, what had happened to his family. His wife is dead, which has its effects in the relationships between the father and the sons. It means it wasn't a heroic backstory. I made him an ordinary man with a middle-class upbringing. There really isn't anything special about him until the storm hits his hometown. He takes his responsibilities seriously, which has created distance between him and his children. When he has to step into the hero's boots, hopefully the background work makes the action seem believable. "  Richard Armitage in Episodi Magazine, September 2014</p><p>This Richard Armitage fan fiction tells the backstory of the character Richard portrayed as a caring but distracted father who loved his children deeply and fought to save them during the storm of the century.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Fuller Beginnings

**Author's Note:**

> The characters of Gary, Donnie and Trey and the setting of the final chapter belong to Warner Brothers, Todd Garner and Steven Quale. The plot of this story and the other characters were conceived and birthed by me. No disrespect or copyright infringement intended.

Donnie stomped through the living room to the front door and slammed it so hard it rattled in its frame.  He was fed up to the eyeballs with his stupid mother and her stupid apartment and her stupid car and stupid Harry and the stupid weekends.   He hated her for ruining everything.  He hated his stupid Dad too but Mom got the brunt of his anger and frustration.   As she prepared to leave she’d said she loved him but he’d shown her his back as he walked away.  He snorted and wondered if she loved him so much, why she wrecked their family.

“Donnie?  I think you owe your mother an apology.”  Gary Fuller called out to his son.

“No. I. Don’t.”  Donnie spat.

“Don’t take that tone with me, Donnie.  There’s no call for it.”  Gary sighed and raked his hand through his hair.  He cast a glance over to Trey who caught his eye and shrugged.   Trey wasn’t at the receiving end of his older brother’s ire as often as Dad and Mom were, but he’d tasted it enough to feel sorry for his Dad.  Thirteen year olds with attitude did not a pleasant evening make and Donnie was most definitely in a mood.

Gary picked up the glasses he and Kim had used and took them to the kitchen, looking longingly at the cupboard with a secreted bottle of scotch hiding in the back where the boys couldn’t get at it.  He heard Donnie’s bedroom door slam and knew Trey was happily ensconced in front of the television so he carefully pulled down the coveted bottle, poured himself a couple of fingers and plopped in a handful of ice.

He leaned against the sink and stared out the kitchen window taking a long, slow pull of the amber nectar.  Things were going well for Kim and she’d be able to move home as soon as she tied up the loose ends of her apartment, probably in a week at the most.  It should be a happy, optimistic night in the Fuller house, but instead Gary and Trey had to walk on eggshells until his royal highness, King Donnie Doom, decided to be human again.

Donnie had been a sensitive child but that sensitivity turned into a brutal attitude when he entered puberty.   Sure, things had been tense long before that; heavens knew that Kim tried her best, but she had been, for the most part, emotionally detached.  She struggled with parenting; she struggled with marriage; hell, she struggled with everything to do with family.

Gary chastised himself for uncharitable and unfair thoughts about his eldest son.  He knew why Donnie was the way he was and while Gary didn’t blame him for it, it didn’t make him a pleasure to live with.  He massaged his temples and rubbed his eyes while he travelled down Memory Lane, stopping off at moments of happiness and of pain along the way.

 

_Gary and Kim were high school sweethearts who started dating when she was a freshman and he was a junior.   She was the most vivacious, sweetest girl Gary ever met and he was smitten before the first month of school was finished.   They laughed and whispered and made moon eyes at each other for all of Gary’s junior and senior years, scared that college would be the end of them._

_They made an attempt at being mature and selfless, encouraging each other to date if they found they were too lonely while they were apart for months at a time.  A few dates with others strengthened their resolve that they were meant for each other; no one else held their interest, attraction, or heart remotely close to what they had with each other._

_Gary graduated with honors, receiving his Bachelor of Arts in English and was accepted into the master’s program.  Kim had finished second year of university on her way to a Bachelor of Science and veterinary college.  He was going to be an English professor and she was going to be a small animal vet.  They lived on dreams, ambition and love; working hard to save for the upcoming school year.  By the end of May 1996 their world veered off the plotted trajectory and hurled them into the unknown._

_They had spent every minute of Spring Break together and were careless with protection.  The chickens came home to roost; Kim discovered she was pregnant and it threw everything into chaos.  Gary created a flow chart of options and projected results making Kim smile through the fear at his odd approach to deciding their future.  For a liberal arts major, he was oddly analytical._

_At the end of an exhausting weekend they had a workable plan.  Kim would suspend her full time studies to work as long as she could, hopefully taking one course in the fall term.  Gary would leave the master’s program and take his teacher’s certification test so that he could begin teaching, albeit in a different environment, immediately.   Over time he’d complete courses towards his master’s, Kim would finish her B.Sc. and they’d eventually realize their career goals._

_Their parents were supportive and if they were disappointed, they didn’t let on or heap guilt on their children’s heads.  They helped plan and speedily execute a lovely, small wedding which came off better than hoped.   Kim and Gary Fuller may have taken a detour, but their new journey was unexpectedly wonderful._

_They stayed up late fantasizing about the life they would provide for Glump, the glorious lump slowly growing in Kim’s belly.  Gary talked and sang and read poetry to Glump and made up stories of famous battles and scandals and kings and queens while Kim stroked his hair and smiled at the sentimental daddy-to-be who couldn’t get enough of her and their Glump._

_Gary teared up the first time he felt Donnie move and he openly wept when their son was born.  He was completely, irrevocably in love with his beautiful, brave wife and his amazing baby boy.   Kim had loved Gary for so long she never considered it would grow any further, but she gained a profound new depth of feeling with his unflinching support during the delivery and the unvarnished baring of his soul to their child and to her.   When she held Donnie in her arms she was transported to a new plane of existence where nothing would ever be the same.  These two men were the most important thing in her life and she repeatedly told him that she was astonished by her luck in having them._

_Gary knew she was tired after the delivery, hell he was tired so she must have been exhausted, so he took care of everything he could to ensure Kim was able to rest and recuperate.  When they got home from the hospital, their moms took turns helping out and he couldn’t imagine what they would have done without them.  Kim was bone tired for days, which turned into weeks, and Donnie’s father and grandparents grew increasingly concerned about her._

_Kim was diagnosed with postpartum depression, struggling for months, and unable to reclaim her energy or enthusiasm.   She worked with her doctor, a therapist, and tried a variety of medications; sometimes_   _experiencing temporary improvements but nothing seemed to help her scale the wall to get back to her normal._

_Long gone was Gary’s focused, cheerful wife; in her stead was a hollow, numb facsimile.    She was despondent and thought that she should probably be racked with guilt; she thought she was a terrible mother, a bad wife and a burden to her family, but she felt … nothing.   She knew she should want to be a better mother/wife/daughter so went through the motions but the more she tried to do, the worse the rebound hit her._

_She alternated between being a doting, caring Mom and a detached, listless woman incapable of engaging in the affectionate play her baby needed; leaving him confused and irritable.  She ached for Donnie and clung to that ache as if it were a lifeline because it was the only thing she was capable of feeling.  She was a black hole where emotion, energy, interest and hope went to die._

_Gary and The Grands, as they called the four grandparents, worked together to take care of Donnie, the apartment and Kim, their worry growing with each passing week.   Kim and Gary continued prescribed therapies and experimented with a nutritionist and acupuncturist.   It was a slow, frustrating slog, but by Donnie’s first birthday she felt human again._

_They became happy family at last.  She discovered the joy of being mother to an adorable, sensitive little boy.  Gary was over the moon that she had recovered her essence and was Kim again.  She was feeling so well she signed up for a third year online biology course and developed a passion for cooking, adding to the fullness of her days and nights._

_Gary thrilled at the deepening bond between his wife and son.  Little by little Donnie turned to his mother for comfort when he was hurt or upset.  While he missed having a share of those sweet snuggles, he was delighted that Kim and Donnie were finally hitting their stride.   He sought to please her at every turn; always sweet and responsive to his Momma.   They enjoyed each other and that made Gary and The Grands want to jump for joy._

_Laughter, affection and peace settled on their home.  They went hiking, had picnics and played in the park regularly.  Kim met other moms of toddlers at the local playground and even got to know her neighbours.  She took an interest in every aspect of their home and life.   She painted Donnie’s room in a cheerful nautical pattern and surprised everyone when she brought home a dog._

_“Gary, he was going to be put to sleep.  He’s such a good boy; just look at him.”  Her eyes were rounder and more pleading than the mutt who sat wagging his tail.  She smiled that smile which laid Gary out every time.  He wouldn’t veto the pup but he knew she wanted him to be happy about it, not to just accept it.  “The shelter called him Patches but I think James Herriot suits him better.  Harry for short.”_

_“Hmmm.  You’ve been spending a lot of time at the animal shelter.  I guess it was just a matter of time before someone stole your heart. So, this is the Fuller Furry Friend.  Hello Harry.”  Gary let the canine sniff his fingers and guessed he met with approval when Dr. Herriot licked his fingers and leaned his head into Gary’s palm for a scratch.  “What kind of dog are you Harry?  What does Kim think? Hmmm?  She’s the expert.”_

_“Heinz 57.   Looks like some border collie, spaniel, retriever and maybe a little aussie shepherd.  I think he’s perfect.  They figure he’s about 4 and had a good family at one point because he’s well trained.  He’s such a good boy, aren’t you Harry?”  She grinned and wiggled her eyebrows at him._

_Harry’s tail wagged in circles and he sat waiting for her to say the magic word._

_“Come.”  Kim said softly and Harry skittered across the laminate floor, unable to get to his new mistress fast enough.  He bowled into her and sent her flying back on her bum.   He administered canine first aid in the form of sloppy kisses and nose bumps._

As happy as the memories of Harry were, they brought a lump to Gary’s throat. He was good therapy for Kim _,_  but he missed the furry mutt and couldn’t wait for him to come home too.   He raked his hand through his hair again and took another slow pull of the scotch.

_Gary thought that year after Donnie’s first birthday was perfect.  He had a long term sub position and it was going well, his wife, son and dog were his greatest joy, and their apartment was his favourite place on earth.    Kim sprung all sorts of odd food on them and celebrated with champagne when she received an A in her biology course._

_A few months after Donnie’s first birthday Kim got sick.  At first they thought it was the flu but it didn’t go away.  After a full week of dragging her butt around, she went to the doctor and Dr. Jansson could have knocked her over with a feather:  she was pregnant._

_Emotions yo-yoed for both Kim and Gary.  They looked at Donnie, the light of their life, and were excited for another baby.  It would be a second chance for Kim to experience infancy, which she missed with Donnie, and it would be a sibling not too far apart in age – barely two years - for Donnie._

_This would be her last pregnancy, making it a bittersweet ending to her child bearing years:  she’d be able to get on with her schooling without further interruption after the new baby was potty trained and yet she was sad to know she’d never have another announcement like the one from Dr. Jansson._

_Gary shared all of her excitement and her sadness, but he kept his real fears to himself.  He’d seen Kim nearly drown in a black hole and almost lost her; he was terrified she’d fall down that hole again and she might not be able to get out.    He wanted more children, but not at the cost of his wife’s mental health._

_It was an easy pregnancy, much easier than with Donnie which wasn’t a particularly difficult pregnancy.  The morning sickness was brief and light; the aches and pains not as deep; the heartburn and hamster bladder not as severe.   Kim relished every moment of her pregnancy, knowing it was her last._

_She made a game with Donnie, telling him that the baby whispered stories for her to tell his big brother.  She made Donnie laugh at the silly things his unborn brother wanted her to relay to him and he when he saw the ultra sound picture he decided his brother should be called Trey.  He babbled to Trey all the time, telling him about yucky brussel sprouts and the good doggy Hair-wee._

_Gary and Kim were wrapped up in warmth and happiness at the sight and sound of their precocious, sensitive little boy already loving his baby brother.  Donnie sang and chattered and rubbed Kim’s belly, giggling when Trey began moving and kicking under his chubby little hands.  He insisted his baby brother loved him and like to give him high fives through Mommy’s tummy all the time._

_Gary was writing an exam when Kim went into labour and he rushed to her side.   It amazed them both how much quicker and easier Trey’s birth was compared to Donnie’s.   Gary felt guilty about being glad men didn’t have to endure childbirth and glad his wife was the hero in the family.  That was the only negative feeling he had, everything in his life was better than his best dreams._

_The Fullers were complete and they were a contented all American family.  It was just like a 1950’s picture perfect postcard.   How did that old Smokey Robinson and the Miracles song go?  A taste of honey is worse than none at all?_

 

Gary gripped the edge of the sink, his strong features pulled together in a tight grimace.   He stared out the window and fought against the memories of the day he returned home from his second day back to work to find Kim griping at Donnie and Trey crying in his bed, his little face red and angry.  That day was the beginning of the end.


	2. Sir, There's Been a Terrible Accident

~ May 2010 ~

Gary washed out the glasses and put them away. With a weary sigh he slumped down heavily on the kitchen chair and dropped his head into his hands. It hadn’t gone to plan, in fact, it just about went to hell in a hand basket. He was exhausted all the time, his sons couldn’t stand him, work sucked, and he felt like a hamster on a wheel. 

Every day was the same: argue with the boys to get them out of bed, rush to make it to school on time, teach his classes, do whatever was needed as the head of the English department and shout himself coarse coaching junior varsity football. On the way home, he’d grab some groceries. make dinner, go over homework, drive to lessons, do some laundry, chores, and prepare for the next day. Work at school, work at home, lather, rinse, repeat.

He was exhausted from being the father, mother, housekeeper, and general lackey all while worrying himself sick over Kim. He was tired right down to his bones and felt like an ass for acting sorry for himself. There were single parent families all over the country and he was nothing special. 

He finished his Masters, but his Doctorate wasn’t anywhere on the horizon; no time and no money. He didn’t mind high school kids, but he craved the idea of teaching at the university level with students who wanted to be in his class, who loved literature and poetry and couldn’t get enough of it just like him. Maybe in a few months he’d work on his novel again, the thought of which cheered him enough to keep him moving along with hope.

Kim coming home was a step in a great direction; their family would be together again. It would be hard to regain Donnie’s trust, but it was doable. They would share the load of running the house but it wouldn’t be 50-50 right away, he wanted Kim to gradually ease back into the rigours of the household and not get overwhelmed.

He laid his head down on his folded arms and slowly let go of a deep, weary breath. He didn’t give a crap about the housework or driving Trey to guitar lessons or dental appointments or any of the 5,000 bits of minutia which pulled on him daily. He wanted his wife back, he wanted to wake up with the love of his life again. He wanted to feel her hands flutter against his chest when he pulled her in close as they whispered secrets and dreams to each other before drifting off to sleep. Her laughter was music to his ears and he’d lived in worried silence for so long. 

His Kim was coming home and that’s all that mattered. It had been such a long road to get things back on an even keel; not that they’d arrived quite yet but they were closer than they had been in years. Donnie turned 13 and Trey was 11; eleven years of roller coasters and the constant fear that Kim’s depression would win. 

 

“Kim, Kim what’s wrong? Honey, talk to me.” Gary picked Trey up out of his bassinette and held him close, rocking him and making gentle susurrations in his ear. Donnie toddled over and offered up his fire truck for Gary to inspect. “Hey Donnie, how’s Daddy’s big guy? You’ve got your favorite truck? We should play rescue, shouldn’t we?! You let Daddy get some things ready and then you and I will play, okay big fella?” Donnie nodded with a pout just as Trey started fussing again.

“It’s okay little guy, it’s okay. You wanna have a guy’s night? Huh? Should we give Mommy a little break from all this testosterone? Yeah, that’s sounds like a good idea. Let’s see if we can find a white bottle with your name on it; and a nice malty brown one for Daddy. Whaddya think? We’ll get ourselves some bottles and maybe run Mommy a nice bubble bath. What would you like Kim? Tea? Soda?” 

Kim sat in a crumpled heap on the floor, looking up at her husband with tears in her eyes. Her voice broke as she whispered, “I think it’s back. Gary it’s happening again and I’m so scared. I don’t want to go through that again.”

Her pain pierced Gary; he wanted to hold her and weep with her. He wanted to wrap his arms around her and protect her from whatever it was that had a grip on her and intended to drag her down. He had his hands full of baby and a toddler looking at him like his life depended on Daddy time. His wife needed him, but his boys did too and he was torn in three.

He went to Kim and knelt down in front of her. Cradling Trey in one arm he used the other to pull Kim into him. “Shhhh. Baby, we’ll handle it. We’ll be okay, Honey. We know what to do this time and it won’t take so long to find something that works. Shhhh. I love you Kimmy. It’s gonna be okay. Shhhh. I’m here, baby.”

Kim melted into him and sobbed. That afternoon she had felt the malaise creeping into her limbs and the thick, wooly blanket of numbness descending, smothering her energy and interest in everything around her. “Gary, I’m so sorry. You deserve better than—“

“Hey, I deserve to be a lonely old moldy English teacher, but by grace, I’ve got the love of my life and if I play my cards right, she’ll continue to have me until I shuffle off this mortal coil. We’ll get through this, we will.” Gary kissed her tenderly and gave her a small, encouraging smile. “I’ve been dying to see these boys all day, I missed them so much. Can I have a little fix of son-time and then I’m all yours?”

She nodded and watched him as he gave her an awkward hug and struggled to stand up. He held Trey close to him and closed his eyes, breathing in the unique sweet smell of baby and hoping his Kimmy wouldn’t hurt so bad this time. 

All of it was his fault; he should have had a vasectomy. The doctors said she’d be prone to post natal depression again, and that the odds were it would be worse with each subsequent pregnancy. He was going to talk to Kim about getting snipped, but never got around to it and as a result his lovely, sweet wife was disintegrating in front of his eyes. He looked at the sweet baby in his arms and wondered how in hell he could wish little Trey away by regretting not having a vasectomy.

The doctors’ words haunted him. The more severe a depression was and the longer it lasted the greater the changes in the brain’s chemistry and the less likely of it righting itself. It was almost a year last time. How long would it be this time? He hoped they had a leg up on it but who could tell? A repeat of severe depression in less than two years? That was bad. Very bad.

Gary fed and changed the boys. Trey went to sleep straight away and Donny wasn’t long behind him after Daddy playtime on the floor and a couple of his favourite rhyming story books. He closed the door to Donnie’s bedroom and smiled at the heart wrenchingly beautiful sight of an innocent child in slumber. His son, his brilliant, sensitive, funny son! He wondered who Trey would be, but didn’t worry about him, whoever he’d become, he’d be loved to distraction.

Bubbles and oils were out, but Epsom salts were good for Kim’s bath and she loved the warm, soft feeling of the calming waters. He found her half asleep with the candles burned down to nubs.

“Hey. May I join you?”

Kim looked up at him in dismay. “Gary, I love you but seriously, I just gave birth two weeks ago. The good old plumbing hasn’t healed yet.”

“No, dummy. I just want to climb in with you, that’s all. What do you think?” He gave her his best puppy dog eyes and batted his lashes.

She chuckled, “Fine. But no funny business. I mean it.”

Gary grinned and slipped his loosened tie off over his head. Keeping his eyes on her, he slowly undid each of his shirt’s buttons with exacting precision and a naughty smirk. He gradually pulled the tails of his shirt out from his trousers and wiggled an eyebrow at her. “And don’t you forget it. I see the way you’re looking at me, Mrs. Fuller. There’ll be no funny business in my bath tonight.”

“Yeah. I’m the problem all by myself. Sure. You’re such a horny-toad,” she laughed, “It’s a miracle we don’t have 8 kids by now.” And with that her smile fell.

Gary tossed the rest of his clothes on the counter and looked at her with a sad smile. “I know, baby. I know. Move up a bit if you can.” He slid in behind her and pulled her into his arms. 

Kim leaned her head against him and closed her eyes. Gary recognized the signs faster than she did but they could both feel the roller coaster taking shape; laughing and joking one minute; listless and empty the next. 

“When should we call The Grands?” Kim asked with a sigh. She loved her Mom and mother-in-law, but she hated imposing on them, and this was going to be yet another imposition.

“Tomorrow, I think. We’ll get you to the doctor and start looking for a part-time nanny to help out when things get too heavy for us. We’re old pro’s at this, we’ll have it all set up in no time.” Gary stroked her hair and occasionally kissed her temple as they quietly talked about their action plan for Kim’s illness.

Gary lifted his head and looked around. There was a lot to do to get ready for Kim to come home. He’d let some things slide and he wanted everything nice, or at least no trouble, for her. No matter how moody and recalcitrant the boys were, they’d have to help. He tried to go easy but it felt like he was always barking orders at them. They felt like he was the overbearing lord of the manor and didn’t hesitate to let him know their low opinion.

Gary trudged to the bottom of the stairs and called out, “Donnie, Trey, c’mere. We need to talk.” No acknowledgement. He waited and shouted, “Donnie. Trey. Here. Now.” They still didn’t acknowledge but their heads peeked out Donnie’s bedroom door. “Kitchen. Family meeting.” 

It took ten minutes before the boys were actually seated at the table without ear buds or Gameboys. The bored-apathetic-annoyed expression on their faces let Gary know what kind of a family meeting he was in for. Resigned to the position of Grand Ogre once again, Gary explained what was needed.

“Look, your Mom is coming over for dinner on Wednesday and this place needs a bit of sprucing up. So for the next couple of days we’re going to do some extra chores after school and in the evening. I want to make it nice for Mom. Are you on board or are you going to be enforced prison labor?” Gary raised his eyebrows in question, not taking no for an answer but hoping for at least a little buy-in.

“Whatever. I don’t see why we have to do work just because she’s coming to visit her own house.” Donnie mumbled and made his thoughts on their separation abundantly clear, yet again. “She should be doing chores too instead of us getting stuck with her share.”

“Donnie! That’s enough. We’ve been over this a dozen times and we’re not gonna make it 13. You know very well why Mom needed to leave for a while. You know it’s not what she wants and you damn well know she misses you two every day. Stop acting like you’re so hard up. You’ve got more going for you than most of the kids I teach so stop complaining. Are you going to cooperate or not?” Gary’s temper flared, he was sick and tired of the ‘poor me’ attitude that Donnie was prone to. No, it hadn’t been a picture perfect, Norman Rockwell childhood but it wasn’t exactly one of deprivation either. 

The old saying was wrong. Misery didn’t love company. Misery made the company exceptionally disagreeable. Misery made each family member turn in on themselves and act like they were the only one in pain. At least that’s what it had done in the Fuller house.

“Whatever.” Donnie groused. He sat picking at his cuticles and ignoring his father. He knew Mom was sick and that it wasn’t really her idea of the perfect family life but it pissed him off, and maybe even hurt a little, if he was honest. His Mom had floated in and out of his life for pretty much all of it so it didn’t make much sense to be any more upset about this than any of the other times. 

“But I’ve got guitar lessons on Monday and soccer on Tuesday, Dad.” Trey piped up.

“Sorry Bud. This is important, we’re gonna skip extra-curriculars this week. I think after Mom sees how great everything looks, you’re going to be really proud.” 

“But Daaaaaad –“

“No buts, Trey. The three of us are going to work as a team to get this place ship shape. Donnie? Are you going to be able to do this without scowling the house down?” Gary said.

“Ha ha. Very funny.” Donnie said with sarcasm dripping from his words and his attitude. “Whatever.”

With a relieved sigh, Gary grabbed a scrap of paper and a pen from the junk drawer. “Okay, let’s make a list and you guys can choose which things you want to do.”

“Can I at least go to the can first?” Donnie asked sweetly.

“Me too! Me too!” Trey chimed in.

“Fine. Be back here in five minutes.”

The boys took off out of the kitchen like they’d been shot out of a cannon. Gary shook his head and knew it would be closer to an hour before he got them back on task. He’d get a start on the to- do list while he was waiting. He huffed, Kim was a much better project manager than he was. He was used to the kids on the football team doing what he barked at them to do and Kim was able to motivate with a lighter hand.

That night in the bath when Trey was still only a couple of weeks old/,/ was the starting line for their present state of affairs. For the next three months Kim fought against the fog with everything in her power. She did light box therapy, nutrition management, behavior modification therapy, meds, sleep adjustments, and forced herself out of bed when it felt impossible to do it. She made checklists of things she had to do each day which kept her busy, focused and made sure that not everything fell between the cracks. The Grands were amazing, chipping in to help in all manner of ways: dropping off a meal; taking Donnie out for the day or the weekend; doing a bit of housework; picking up groceries; running little errands; anything to lighten their load.

Gary was right, they got a handle on it much quicker than the previous time. She was frustrated every time she tried to wean herself off the meds because she experienced debilitating setbacks. But they persevered and muddled through it. Only a few months after Trey was born Kim was up to taking another course towards her degree and signed up, resolved to maintain her grade point average.

Over the next eight years there were good times and bad but mostly good. Kim and Gary had an unspoken agreement to watch for the early warning signs that her bio-chemical balance was off. They were as proactive as they could be with something as changeable as mood disorders. Together they were a vigilant team and were sure that after all they’d been through, nothing could come between them.

Kim was sensitive to the extreme differences between Donnie and Trey. It went beyond typical sibling uniqueness and gave Kim reason to worry about Donnie. He, more than any of the men in their house, had suffered because of Kim’s depression. He didn’t have much enthusiasm or warm affection from her during his first year of life. He hadn’t been physically neglected and she never abused him but she wasn’t always attentive or affectionate – she was just there, a competent but detached babysitter.

They sought out a child therapist and identified markers of attachment disorder, something very common in children of severely depressed or chronically ill parents. Through the use of art and play therapy and modified parenting methods they were able to reverse the damage which had been done. Donnie bloomed, he was a happy little boy who adored, and was adored by, his brother and his parents. 

Kim reluctantly accepted that she was not going to go to vet school. There wasn’t the time, money/,/ and she was quite sure it would be too stressful for her to manage. She was dedicated to taking care of her mental health, stretching her comfort zone a little but never biting off more than she could chew.

By the time Trey entered kindergarten Kim had finished her Bachelor of Science and was in her final term of nursing school. She was excited and proud, satisfied with the present and looking forward to the future. Gary had been promoted to head of the English department and was actively working on his novel. Life was good and getting better.

The following year they bought their house and nobody was happier than Harry. The back yard was his domain and he was dedicated to protecting his humans from all matter of fiend, be they squirrel, rabbit, or neighborhood cats. Every weekend involved a fix it project, a family movie and discovery of another corner of town. Through the eyes of a child, Indianapolis was a different city, a place much more magical than the one adults saw.

Difficulty must have received their forwarding address because it caught up with them. In 2008 Kim’s mother was diagnosed with Stage 3 breast cancer and began aggressive treatments. Her Mom and Dad looked to her for guidance and support, relying on her medical knowledge and passionate advocacy. Kim would have done everything in her power for her parents under any circumstances but with the years of support they’d given her she was both honored and compelled to help.

She changed jobs so she’d be able to work around her mother’s appointments. Kim suspended the online courses she was taking towards her masters and devoted all available time to her family. She was conscious of the impact on Donnie and did her best to not trigger his attachment issues/,/ but there was only so far she could stretch herself and sometimes things fell through the cracks.

Kim’s mom hadn’t responded to the chemotherapy as they’d hoped and so they began again. And again. And again. A little over a year after the initial diagnosis Kim’s family was told there was nothing else they could do for her mom other than make her comfortable. Three months later they celebrated Mrs. Garner’s wake and said goodbye for the last time.

Kim helped her father with all the details of settling her mother’s affairs and took care of the cooking and cleaning for him. She was run ragged between her house and her father’s, not taking time for herself. Gary worried about her but she seemed to be coping under the circumstances.

The week after Mr. Garner returned to work he called Kim into the living room and bade her sit. He handed her a nicely wrapped box not much longer than a business envelope.

“This is for you, my wonderful daughter.” He smiled and handed it to her.

She laughed, “Dad you didn’t have to buy me gloves, seriously.”

“Just open it, Princess.” He encouraged.

Kim opened the box to find an envelope with an odd globe emblem in the top left corner. She looked at him questioningly and he simply nodded for her to continue.

She read the covering letter to find her father was giving her a first class, ten day trip for two with Celebrity Cruises and the travel agency’s details of flights and off-ship excursions were clearly spelled out. It was the cruise of a lifetime.

Kim’s chin dropped and she looked at him with tears threatening to spill down her cheeks, “Dad ….”

“Kimmy, you have done so much for all of us. You’ve saved our sanity and loved us and I don’t know how I would have gotten through the last year and a half without your help.” He smiled sadly.

“Well, I had a good teacher! You and Mom –“ she replied.

“No, Princess. Let me finish. You went above and beyond the call of duty. I know you love us and you wanted to help, and you did, but you did more than that and you’ve stayed on making sure I’m taken care of too. I was pretty messed up for a while but I’m going to be okay. I’m never going to stop missing your mother but I’m not going to collapse. You can go back to your family who love you and miss you. You can get some normal back into your life. Your mother and I always wished you and Gary could have had a great honeymoon but everything was so busy and everything. So think of this as an anniversary present, a belated honeymoon and a thank you all wrapped up into one.” He opened his arms for a hug and she fell against him.

“Dad, you don’t have to do this.” She said it sincerely but was already in the process of shrugging off misplaced modesty and frugality.

“Dear daughter, I’m not doing anything I don’t want to do with all my heart. Now, stop arguing with your old dad and gracefully accept a bit of sunshine for you and my favorite son-in-law.” He smiled and kissed the top of her head.

“Um. Dad, he’s your only son-in-law.” She giggled and hugged him tightly, loving the old joke as much on the thousandth time as she did the first time he said it.

Two weeks later, after a flurry of activity and logistics, they were sipping champagne in first class on their way to Miami to board the cruise ship. They swam with stingrays, climbed Mayan ruins, zip-lined, climbed a waterfall, a snorkelled with sharks and dined on five star cuisine. It was a gorgeous vacation with laughter, adventure and no small amount of sweet, passionate loving.

Back in the real world there was no longer the high level of stress Kim had been living with. She could relax and settle into a routine but instead of relief, she tumbled into a devastating adrenalin crash far worse than any depression she’d ever experienced. She spent six weeks in hospital and needed supports when she returned home.

Kim couldn’t cope with the demands of two active boys, the house, her job and her depression. Something had to give lest she need to be hospitalized again. Her therapist suggested that she get a small apartment close by and set up a structured routine which gradually reintroduced the demands of daily life and gave her an opportunity to cope with stressors without being trapped by them. 

After two false alarms at being ready to come home, she was finally given the green light by her doctor and more importantly, she and Gary both believed she was truly ready. They agreed not to give up the lease on the apartment so that she knew it was always there if she wanted a couple of hours or a weekend to herself or if she needed to move back for a while. It was her safety net.

Kim was coming home! It was the best news in years. On Wednesday at dinner they would tell the boys and on Saturday she would move her stuff home and bring Harry back for good. As happy as he was to have his Kim home, he couldn’t supress the giggly excitement of having his pooch back too. He didn’t begrudge Kim for having Harry, not even for a second. He was therapeutic and it gave Gary some small measure of comfort to know she wasn’t completely alone. But he was really looking forward to that scruffy mutt being underfoot again.

She was coming home and they had to get the house in better shape!

“Donnie. Trey. Enough stalling. Kitchen – NOW!” He called up the stairs and strolled back to the kitchen, whistling as he went. The earlier bone deep fatigue was lifting.

Gary shook his head with a bemused grin as heard the boys thumping along the hall, dragging their feet to the last possible second. They were just beginning their stomp down the stairs when the doorbell rang.

“Boys, get the door, would you?” He shouted.

A minute later he heard deep voices belong to someone other than the boys. He stuck his pen behind his ear and headed back to the front door. There were two policemen with their hats in their hands and looking decidedly uncomfortable.

Gary’s first thought was that Mr.Quayle from next door had finally gone and called the police because the boys kept losing their basketballs, soccer balls and baseballs over the fence into his yard. He’d been threatening to do it for years and these poor officers must have drawn the short straw to close of a nuisance call.

“Mr. Fuller?” The elder officer asked.

“Yeah, I’m Gary Fuller. What can I do for you, officer?”

“You are married to Kim Garner Fuller?”

Gary was alarmed, this had nothing to do with Mr. Quayle and his mind raced as he nodded at him.

“Sir, I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident.”


	3. Bless Your Heart, See You Then

~ May 2010 ~

Gary shut the lid on the freezer and leaned against it.  If he wasn’t mistaken, over half of their hometown, Indianapolis, had dropped off home cooking for them. They had enough casseroles and lasagnes to lastfor a couple of months and desserts for longer.  In the haze of his shock and grief he was amazed at the kindness of people he barely knew.   The funeral was over and he’d shown the last of the mourners out, leaving him alone with his thoughts as he spent half an hour reorganizing the fridge in the kitchen and the freezer in the garage to accommodate all of the gifts of food.

Neither he, Donnie, nor Trey wouldn’t have to cook for ages,which was probably a good thing because he didn’t know how he was going to do it.  His wife and his dog were gone and it was only the boys keeping him holding on.  He had no idea how tomake a good life for them.   Who knew what they thought of him but it probably wasn’t good. 

The police insisted on an autopsy,which confused and annoyed Gary.  It meant that her wake had to be delayed nearly a week and he wanted neither the Garners, his boys,nor himself to be stuck in waiting-for-the-funeral limbo.   It was a disconcerting dichotomy which made no sense: if there was no service maybe he wouldn’t have to say goodbye; but he wanted to get the public stuff over with so he could start grieving properly. 

He quickly tired of comforting other people who came to the house expressing shock and grief.   That in itself was as confusing as hell.  He was blown away and appreciated the effort people made to offer him their heartfelt sympathy, pushing through their awkwardness and discomfort but not quite overcoming their feelings of inadequacy at the clichéd words they spoke.  There was nothing they could say to make it better but struggling to say anything touched his heart and he appreciated every word.

He knew he didn’t own sole rights to grief and that there were many others grieving as well.  What he couldn’t bear were the ones who sucked the life out of him with their needy displays.  He had more important things to do than suffer the histrionics of the family drama queens.  Which reminded him of the boys and how he was going to repair the damage he’d done to them in the last week.

 

 

 _Three days after Kim and Harry died_ _,_ _Gary was in the back yard putting away the lawn mower when Officer Sumpter walked through the gate._

_“Hi Mr. Fuller, your son said I could find you back here.”  He said kindly as he removed his hat and held it in his hands._

_Gary huffed with the effort of shifting the heavy water barrel closer to the down spout of the garage, “Hello, what can I do for you Officer?”_

_“Can we sit down a moment?  I wanted to bring you up to date on your wife’s case.”_

_“Case?  What case?  I thought it was a traffic accident.  When did it become a case?”  Gary pulled off his work gloves and tossed them on the picnic table.  “Have a seat.  Can I get you something to drink?  I’ve got some ice tea.”_

_Officer Sumpter shifted his nightstick and sat down at the picnic table looking awkward and uncomfortable.  “We couldn’t say much before because of the investigation, and we wanted to make sure there was no room for error or appeal –“_

_“Appeal?  What in the world are you talking about?  What appeal?”  Gary pulled another bottle of Arizona Ice Tea out of the cooler and handed it to the policeman._

_Officer Sumpter patiently waited for Gary to sit comfortably before continuing.  “This afternoon we arrested the driver of the truck that hit your wife’s car.   He’s been charged with impaired driving causing death, failing to yield, and a number of other traffic offences.   While nothing is ever guaranteed when it goes to court, we’re confident the driver is going to be put away for a while._

_Gary looked at him, shell shocked.  No one said anything about another driver being involved.  Her car flipped into a drainage ditch and he thought she’d just lost control and gone off the road.   His mind raced as he tried to process all that the cop told him.   Kim’s death wasn’t an accident, it was murder.  Any asshole who got behind the wheel after drinking was a damn murderer._

_“What happens next?”  Gary voice sounded far away to his own ears._

_The police officer explained the normal procedures and what he could expect.  Gary was warned that he may be called to testify about Kim’s state of mind when she left the house and then make a bereaved family member statement at the time of sentencing_ _,_ _but otherwise he would not be imposed upon._

_Gary snorted at the thought of not being imposed upon.  What a ludicrous phrase!  Imposed upon, like hell.  The whole mess was an imposition against God and man.  He shook his head and nodded and tried to appear like he was coherent.  Eventually Officer Sumpter left and Gary doubted he’d ever remember even a quarter of what was said._

_He went back to putting the lawnmower away and grunted again as the thought of impositions returned.  Something snapped within him and he raged out of control.   He ripped the double doors off and roared as he smashed the windows of the shed.  He grabbed the sledge hammer and wailed against every surface and every object within reach.  He crumpled into a mangled lump in the middle of the ruins, sobbing and screaming at the sky._

_Completely drained, he stilled and closed his eyes.  He tried to remember how to breathe normally, to get his heart to stop jackhammering inside his chest.   Every bone and muscle in his body ached and the bitter metallic taste in his mouth sickened him.  He wanted to run away; to get in the car and drive to a place where there were no other human beings.   No one to love, no one to worry about and no one to kill his family._

_But that’s not the way things worked and even if it was, there was no way in hell he’d leave his boys.  He was all they had and he’d never orphan them.  He’d lay down his life in defense of them but he would never put it at risk for his own sake._

_Resigned to finding a way to cope with pain and being the parent his children needed_ **_/,/_ ** _he looked at what he had done.  He was mortified by the wanton destruction he’d visited on the shed he’d built with help of The Grands.   He looked up to see two pale, terrified faces - the only reasons he’d try and hold things together – staring and revolted by him.   Donnie and Trey had witnessed their father go violently berserk._

_“Donnie, Trey. I’m sorry.  It’s alright, I won’t hurt you.  Boys, it’s gonna be okay.”  He walked to them, to reassure and comfort them but Donnie panicked._

_“Get away from me!”  Donnie screamed, running into the house and locking the door._

_Trey stood staring at his father, mouth agape.   At eleven years old he looked like a young, masculine version of Kim and had her way of looking right through Gary to skewer him where he stood.  With a shaky voice he said, “Guess you can’t complain about my room anymore, huh?”_

_Gary chuckled awkwardly, “No, no I guess I can’t.  Trey, I’m really sorry – I didn’t mean to scare you and your brother.”_

_“It’s okay Dad, I’m pretty mad too. Hey, is there another shed I can wreck?”  Trey’s teasing tone belied his wan face and darting eyes._

_“Maybe we can find something a little less expensive for you to take a whack at.”  Gary opened his arms and offered Trey a hug, holding his breath to see if it would be accepted._

_Trey launched himself into his father’s embrace.  He needed the safety and security of his father’s fiercely protective love to shelter and reassure him.   He knew his dad must miss his mom a whole lot to be so upset but he was upset too and needed his dad more than anything he’d ever needed in his life._

_“Dad?  Can I ask you a question?”_

_“Yeah little buddy, of course.”_

_“How come I miss her so much when I only saw her on weekends and maybe sometimes for an ice cream or something in the week?  How come it hurts so bad?”  Trey asked as tears streamed down his cheeks and soaked his dad’s shirt._

_“I dunno Trey. But it sure does hurt a lot, doesn’t it?”   He held on tightly to his son, cradling the back of his head in his big hand.  “Maybe it’s because before we always knew she’d be home soon_ _,_ _but now we know she won’t be.  That hurts me right through to my soul, Trey.”  Gary said quietly._

_“Me too Dad. My soul hurts, too.”  Trey sobbed and melted into his dad’s familiar hug.  “Dad, will it ever stop?”_

_“I’m no expert but I think we’ll get used to it.  The missing her will always be there but we’ll have room for other things too.   She would freak out on our heads if we didn’t find a way to love life and live good lives and I think we will.  But the sadness will always have a spot too, just not so bad that it ruins things.”_

_They stood quietly, holding each other and trying to imagine a future without Kim where they could feel happiness again._

_“Speaking of ruining things,_ _” Trey nervously ran his fingers through his hair and kicked at the pile of what used to be their shed,_ _“Um, Dad, you kinda ruined the shed.  You were kinda like the Hulk or something.  For a second I thought you were gonna go all smash on me and Donnie.”  Trey waffled between being nervous and snickering._

 _“I was angry but I could never get so mad as to attack you or Donnie like that.   You know me, I might yell at you guys_ _,_ _but I’d never hurt you.”  He paused and let Trey think about it for a moment. “Yeah, I really did a number on the shed.  Oh boy, Mom would be pissed.”_

_Trey snickered, “Oh yeah.  You’d be grounded for a month for that little stunt.  Dad, go to your room!  No tv, no computer and no ice cream for a month – no, two months.”_

_“Daaaaaaad, puh-leeeeeeez.  Don’t take away my ice cream!”  Gary mocked as he ruffled Trey’s hair and kissed the top of his head, a bitter sweet smile on his lips._

_“Dad? Can I ask you a question?”_

_“Always.”_

_“What made you so mad?  Did the policeman do something? Did … um … did I do something?”_

_Gary closed his eyes and took a deep breath.  He had no idea how much was too much to tell an 11 year old boy about a drunk driver killing his mother.   His sons dealt with issues he’d wished they’d not had to face and had a level of maturity in some things well beyond their years.   Donnie was 13 and probably close to parties with drinking, maybe they’d reached the right time for full disclosure.  But what about Trey?  He wanted to spare them; to protect them.  But it was their truth to know too.  Gary ran his fingers through his hair and toed at the wreckage pile in the same way Trey had unconsciously done a moment before._

_“The officer gave me some news that upset me a lot.  It’s something that I need to explain to you and Donnie.  Let’s go in and I’ll tell you everything, okay?”   Gary asked and almost wished Trey would say it wasn’t okay and that he didn’t want to hear it._

_“Good luck with Donnie.  He’s not into the talking thing lately.   He’s probably back in his room staring at the wall again.”   Trey grimaced.  Gary and Trey walked arm in arm to the front of the house after discovering Donnie locked the back door._

_“Stay here while I go get Donnie.” Gary slowly climbed the stairs, worried about his son and unsure how to reach him.  Donnie hadn’t spoken since they learned Kim died other than to yell at him about the shed a few minutes earlier.   He knocked on Donnie’s door and waited, to no avail.  He knocked again and again there was no answer._

_“I’m coming in Donnie.”  He paused and slowly opened the door.   His heart broke as he caught sight of Donnie’s face before he turned his back to his father.   Tear stains streaked his cheeks and his eyes were deep, dark circles of baleful misery.  “You okay, Bud?”_

_Donnie_ _huffed but didn’t turn back to face his father or indicate any intention of speaking._

_Gary sucked in a breath and dove in, “The police officer came to tell us something important this afternoon.   Come downstairs so I can tell you and Trey about it.   There’s … ah … there’s a tray of those black and white brownies you like.  Mrs. McGee dropped them off this morning.”   He gave Donnie a brief small smile and turned to leave.  He hung onto the door and hesitated, “Donnie, you know you can talk to me about anything … whatever you’re thinking about or if you have any questions … I’ll do my best for you.”   He tapped his thumb silently on the door and hoped Donnie would at least acknowledge him.  He waited until the awkwardness was so thick he could cut with a knife.  “Okay … come on down.  It’s … it’s important Donnie.”_

_Before the accident Donnie was angry most of the time.  After the accident_ _,_ _he was vacant.   He wouldn’t respond to anything when Gary was near but he saw the evidence of heavy emotion when no one was looking.   It didn’t take a Ph.D. in psychology to imagine the weight of the last time his son saw his mother.  Donnie had been ornery with his Mom for weeks, pushing her away and refusing her affection.  Gary couldn’t imagine how his eldest son must have felt; well, he could imagine it and it broke his heart._

 _Gary waited for over an hour for Donnie to emerge from his room.  He finished cleaning the kitchen, emptied the recycling collector and did a load of laundry.   He had been debating whether or not to go back up to Donnie’s room when he shuffled into the kitchen and plunked down on a chair.  Donnie wouldn’t make eye contact with anyone and gave the impression he wasn’t listening_ _,_ _but Gary saw tiny expressions which let him know Donnie was paying attention after all._

_It seemed impossible to comprehend, but Donnie appeared to be relieved by the news of the drunk driver, multiplying Gary’s concern for him by a thousand.   After the wake he would devote all his efforts to getting his kids through the nightmare their lives had become._

 

 

If there was such a thing as a convenient time of year to have a family tragedy, they found it.  Kim died five weeks before summer break and with the timing of his bereavement leave, Gary was off work to the end of the school year.   There were a truckload of details and paperwork needed to settle Kim’s affairs and it was small mercies that he didn’t have to teach on top of everything else.

The funeral behind them and the most urgent paperwork filed, Gary turned his attention to his sons.   Trey was open with his feelings, able to express himself better than the average eleven year old and seek comfort when he needed it.  Years of family therapy for coping with Kim’s illness had given him emotional awareness and vocabulary that any adult would be proud of. 

Donnie, however, was not so easily reached.   He had the same years of family therapy plus his own private therapy to deal with attachment issues which occasionally resurfaced.   However, he turned inward, not letting his father or his therapist in.  He occasionally talked to Trey but not for long and never in any real depth.  He stayed in his room watching old movies and playing with his camera.   The only time Gary could get him out of the house during the summer of 2010 was when he went to visit his Grandparents’.   It was a long, sad summer and Gary worried for Donnie’s school year.  Would he hang out with friends or stay locked in his own head?   Would he even bother with school work or would he let his grades go down the toilet?

Gary needn’t have worried about Donnie and school.  His interest in movies and cameras led him to the Visual Arts Club and he eeked out a place on the honor roll.  It was a relief for Gary to see his son take interest in things and participate in his own life.   Gary did his best to encourage him, giving him a new computer with video editing software and tried to talk to him without pushing.

Donnie wasn’t interested in being pals with his dad.   Dad never should have let Mom leave; he should have helped Mom get better at home.  Even if she needed a little break, she would have been able to come home way sooner if Dad had’ve been a better husband.   If she lived at home she never would have been driving to the apartment that night.   If she lived at home he wouldn’t have been so frustrated with her and turned away when she tried to tell him she loved him.  If she lived at home she’d know that her oldest son loved her instead of thinking he hated her when she died.  

On parent-teacher night Gary couldn’t believe Donnie’s teachers were talking about his son.  He was a quiet boy always willing to help; had a wicked, dry sense of humour; was immensely creative and talented; and was a valued student.   At school there was no trace of the sullen, sarcastic, snappish, withdrawn kid he knew at home.   At least that was something positive.

Trey was in his glory at school.  He loved being the most senior grade in his elementary school and able to do older kid stuff without the kindergarteners cramping his style.   His priorities were as plain as the nose on his face with first progress report showing A’s in music and art but C’s and a B or two in his other subjects.   Trey loved music and revolved his life around it, thankfully with instruments which didn’t try Gary’s sanity.  

Trey had times of immense grief, usually seeking out Gary for solace and, in general, he was a creative boy who expressed himself freely, keeping nothing bottled up.   There were times Gary thought a little bottling might not go amiss because Trey could say outrageous things at inopportune times.   He grinned and grimaced recollecting Trey’s latest outbursts with the neighbours.

Thanksgiving marked six months since Kim died and caught Gary by surprise.   It was overwhelming to consider the holidays without her.  Even when she’d been in the apartment she organized Christmas for the four of them.   Gary had no idea how he was going to pull it off and wasn’t sure he even wanted to.  He called a family meeting and received agreement from Trey and an under the breath “whatever” from Donnie that they should keep things quiet and simple.

Christmas Eve Gary found Donnie in his room watching movies as per usual.  But this time Gary looked a little closer to see what Donnie was watching and noticed it was old family movies. It tugged at his heart, he dearly wanted to sit and share those memories with Donnie,but he was neither invited nor welcome.   He slipped out of the doorway of his son’s room and quietly made his way downstairs.

Trey said he was tired and wanted to tuck in early, but Gary saw flickering light spilling out from under his door.  Ebullient Trey was subdued and solitary on Christmas, piercing Gary’s heart and leaving him wishing for a time machine.

Three fingers of his favourite scotch and White Christmas on TV rounded out his Christmas Eve.  Alone with a drink watching the movie Kim always put on to assemble and wrap presents was a terrible way to spend the evening.   He wished he’d taken up one of the many offers he’d received to spend Christmas with family or friends.  He dozed off on the couch and slept fitfully, his dreams frustrating and filled with heart wrenching grief. 

Trey woke him up by poking him in the shoulder and softly asking “Did Santa come?”   His eyes were glassy with unshed tears.

“Yeah, Santa was here Trey.  Let’s wait for Donnie before we start looking though, okay?”  Gary gave him a small smile and held out his arm for Trey to snuggle in.

“You know I’m going to be 12 soon, right?”   He looked up to see Gary nod.  “Well, I don’t think 12 year old boys snuggle with their dads anymore.”  He sighed heavily and wiggled in closer to Gary’s side.

“Hmm.  I have heard something about that.  I guess you’re going to have to make a choice, huh?”  Gary asked.

“A choice?  ‘bout what?”  Trey was confused.

“Well,the way I see it, you’ve got a couple of options.  You could accept that rule; you could grab all the extra hugs now before your birthday; or you could be your own man and have as many damn hugs as often as you damn well want to.”

“DAAAAAD!  You’re not supposed to swear!  You’re gonna have to hit the swear jar … AGAIN.”  Trey snickered.

“I prefer to think of it as my retirement fund jar.  There’s gonna be more money in that damn thing than my damn pension.”  Gary poked Trey in the side.

“Dad, you’re doing that on purpose!”  He tilted back and shook his head at his naughty father.  He lay back down against Gary and heaved several heavy, dramatic breaths.  “Dad?”

“Mmm?”

“Do you really think I can just kinda have hugs if I want them even when I’m 12?”  His voice was a uniquely Trey combination of doubt and hope.

“Oh, absolutely.   I guess I’ve never told about … no, you don’t want to know that.  You wouldn’t be interested.”  Gary hummed and grinned as he felt Trey fidget.

“Aw, you can tell me.  I’m here for you Dad.”  Curiosity wiggled its way through Trey.

“Well, you’ll have to swear to secrecy.  This is a big one and you’ve got to keep it for the rest of your life.  Well, the one exception is that you can tell your sons.”  Gary’s stage whisper was dramatically conspiratorial.

“I promise.  Cross my heart, hope to die, stick a needle in my eye.  I won’t tell anybody Dad.  Honest.  You can tell me.”  Trey sat up and stared at his father expectantly.

“Fuller men have a code.  If you look your father or brother in the eye and wink twice with your left eye you can have a hug for as long as you need, as soon as no one else is looking, no questions asked.”  Gary whispered.

Trey stared at him for a minute and burst out laughing.  “You’re joking me Dad!  You’re crazy!”

“Well … maybe.  The thing is, there’s no age limit on hugs, Trey.  I don’t care if you’re 13 or 300, we hug in this family.  Got it?”   Gary smiled down at his son and squeezed him in bear hug.

They were giggling and wouldn’t have stopped but Donnie interrupted.  “Anything for breakfast?  I’m kind of hungry.”

Gary saw a variety of emotions flicker across his son’s face,but couldn’t figure out their meaning.  Whatever was going on in Donnie, it didn’t look like it was good for him.

“Why yes, sir.  We have, for your dining pleasure, breakfast wraps, orange juice and candy canes.”  Gary offered a small smile, hoping to cheer Donnie up.

“Good.  Do you want to do presents now or after breakfast?  Mom always-“ His eyes widened and his lips snapped shut.  A deep flush rolled up his face as he stammered, “Just lemme know when it’s ready.”  He turned around and flew up the stairs to his room.

They survived Christmas.  It wasn’t as horrible as any of them had dreaded and only a few tears were shed.  Kim had loved the holidays and it felt wrong to make it a terrible one so, in her honor, they did their best. 

Gary’s heart was warmed by Donnie’s gift to Trey.  All those hours locked in his room looking at old home movies hadn’t been simple sentimentality.  Donnie made a ‘best of’ dvd for Trey which gave him a wonderful video account of their mother’s love and humor, with as many clips of her and Trey as he could find.  He’d made one for Grampa Garner too, bringing tears to everyone’s eyes. 

On Christmas night,Gary braved the Indianapolis cold and sat out in the back yard.   He stared up at the overcast sky wishing there was at least a few stars to talk to.

“Kim, we made it through.  We didn’t mangle Christmas too badly.  You’d be proud of Donnie and Trey.  It was hard on them,but they wanted to make you proud.   Donnie made these amazing movies of you for Trey and your Dad, I wish you could see them Kim, he loves you so much and it was so clear in the videos.  Our boy is hurting Kimmy, and I don’t know what to do.  He’s mad at me which is fine, he needs something to focus that anger on and it’s better that it’s me instead of himself or, heaven forbid, Trey.   Sometimes it hurts though, sometimes I just want him to stop pushing me away.   He doesn’t like doing it,Kim, I can tell.”   Gary swiped the pooled tears which spilled down his cheeks.  

“He gave me this old tarnished tie clip that he either found or got in a pawn shop and looked pleased at my confusion when I opened it,but I saw him, Kim, I saw the mask drop and regret flashed through him before he could pull it back up.  He meant to hurt me and when he realized he did, he felt bad.  I know he’s still in there, somewhere.  Watch out for him Kim, nudge him a little if you can.  He’s so consumed with guilt, help him understand you knew he loved you.  Kids don’t get that, they have no idea how important it is for their love to be accepted … he thinks you think he hated you and it’s ripping him up.    Aww Kim, I wish you were here.  I wish you could do that thing where you rubbed my temples and took all the worry away.  I wish you were here so we could all just hug it out.  I wish you were here so we could sneak upstairs and get warm, if you know what I mean.   I miss you Kimmy, I miss you so much.”   Gary sat staring blankly up at the formless sky, watching his breath swirl and rise.  The world was still and calm but his heart was moaning and writhing in pain – pain for his sons and for himself.  He sat until his fingers and toes ached from the cold and trudged back into the house, relieved to have made it through Christmas and wondered how he was going to make it through the rest of his life.

The Fullers muddled through the rest of the school year, awkwardly forging ahead.   Trey immersed himself in his music, excelling at it and basking in the praise he received.  Donnie reluctantly emerged from his self-imposed exile in his bedroom,but hadn’t softened towards Gary.   He was hyper-sensitive to everything Gary said and did, assuming criticism where none existed, and impatience when it was only comfort which was offered.   Donnie hid behind a well-crafted “nothing I ever do is good enough for you” façade with his father, rarely giving an inch towards reconciling their relationship.

Gary dove into work, keeping himself as busy as possible so that he didn’t have time on his hands to think or to feel.  He could go on auto-pilot with his hectic schedule, knowing where he was supposed to be and what he was supposed to be doing every hour of every day.  He hoped that after the one year anniversary of Kim’s passing that there might be chinks in Donnie’s armor.  That first year was a bastard; first Thanksgiving, first birthdays, first Easter, first Mother’s Day, all of those firsts without Kim.  Maybe after those firsts were successfully navigated, Donnie would see … maybe.

But Donnie didn’t let up, he didn’t – couldn’t – see his father doing everything he could to reach out to him.  His guilt and pain were knotted up tightly and encased in a Gary shaped weight around his heart.  

Gary took the boys camping in The Alleghenies,over summer break and for most of the trip contempt rippled off Donnie in waves.  There were times Gary was certain he saw a flicker of need in Donnie’s eyes, a glimpse at the boy who had always relied on his Dad to keep his world safe, a peek at the boy Donnie had been before Kim moved out.  But it was fleeting and Donnie’s contemptuous martyr attitude was beginning to wear on Gary.

School couldn’t start soon enough.    Gary didn’t know how much more of Donnie’s attitude he could take without snapping back; he’d bit his tongue so many times he had a permanent canker.    He loved his son dearly,but was beginning to think he didn’t like him very much; Donnie’s corrosive attitude was wearing him down.

 

~ Fall 2010 ~

Gary sighed with relief as he pulled his office chair closer to the desk so that he could review the staff assigned to his English department.  To be back at work was just what the doctor ordered!   The Fuller family dove right into the school year, each in their own worlds which occasionally orbited each other’s.

Gary enjoyed the return of his staff and welcomed one new full time teacher and one long term substitute.  They had a good mix of personalities and experience which made for interesting department meetings.  The young woman who was subbing for Nancy Callies’ disability leave was a lot of fun.  Leah had a quick mind and a biting wit which Gary found difficult to keep from laughing at in many meetings.  Her students loved her and it was clear she loved teaching.  Nancy had big shoes to fill when she got back, no doubt the class would be loath to part with Leah.  When it crossed his mind, he thought he’d miss Leah when she moved on too.  Perhaps he could put in a word for her with the admin office and she could pick up other sub openings in the school once Nancy returned.

As the fall moved on, Gary spent an increasing amount of time at school.  He was ashamed to admit that it was easier to be a workaholic than to face constant censure from Donnie and occasionally from Trey too.  He hired a housekeeper who took care of the cleaning, laundry, shopping and made dinner for them each week night.  It was a perfect arrangement as far as Gary was concerned:  less complaining from the boys and less stress for Gary.   Mavis left each night at 6:00, the boys having had eaten, the dishes washed and a plate for Gary warming in the oven.  It wasn’t a great family life, but it made things easier for the time being.

Gary told himself that with time, the hostilities would end and his sons would allow him to be part of their lives again.  He told himself that he was doing them a favour by not smothering them with his forced presence.  He told himself that he had to provide for his boys and to do that he had to work hard for a promotion.   He told himself that they needed a little independence.  He told himself that they didn’t miss him anyway.  He told himself it didn’t matter that he laughed at work far more than he did at home.

Leah recently moved from Oklahoma to Indianapolis for the substitute teaching position.  She figured that once she got her foot in the door, it would be easier to find a job and even if all she did was sub, at least she’d have that on her resume when applying for full time positions.  Without family or friends in Indianapolis Leah tended to work late, often being the second last person to leave.  Gary always gave her a friendly smile and wave as she left each day.

By Thanksgiving Gary and Leah had fallen into a comfortable pattern of eating lunch together and checking in with each other before they left at the end of the day.   Gary mentored Leah in finding a permanent teaching position and gave her tips for enjoying their city.   Leah told him anecdotes of her brothers back home and her literary vacations.  Each year she took a trip somewhere in the world based on a story or author and had funny little snippets to share about each one.

At the Thanksgiving staff party spirits were high and inhibitions slightly loosened by a little bit of wine.

“Hey Gary.  There’s a production of The Old Man and the Sea at the Indiana Rep Theatre.  You wouldn’t want to go would you?”  Leah asked and quickly looked down at her shoes.  No amount of wine could mask the nervous tapping of her fingernails on the glass or the way she chewed on her lip.

Gary’s brows knit together as he opened and closed his mouth twice before any words came out. “Um, yeah … I’d love to see that.  You know my weakness for Hemingway.”  He chuckled and the lightheaded whirring in his head which was making him dizzy had nothing to do with the wine.  If he wasn’t mistaken, and he wasn’t, he’d just been asked out on a date.  His chuckle turned into a huge grin and he spent the rest of the evening trying to play it cool, as if he wasn’t nervous, excited and flattered.

Leah’s eyes sparkled with relief and excitement when Gary not only accepted her invitation, but made it crystal clear he was happy about it.   Her crush on him started somewhere around the second week of school but he was so reserved she could never get a sense of whether or not he might find her interesting.  She was pretty sure he did, but figured out he’d never ask her out.  After several failed attempts, she screwed up her courage and risked it all, with happy results.

At the end of the staff party Gary walked her to her car and they stood looking awkwardly at each other.  Gary raked his hand through his hair and his lips quirked up on one side, he wanted to say something but words escaped him.  Him, the English teacher and writer wanna-be!  He couldn’t think of a single thing to say.

Leah grinned and quickly rested her hand on his arm as she went up on tip toe to kiss him on the cheek.  “G’night Gary.  See you on Monday?”

“Yeah.  Monday.  G’night Leah.” He stood there grinning at her like a fool.

“Bless your heart!  See you then.”  She giggled and got in her car to drive away.


	4. Graduation Day

~ January 2012~

Gary and Leah soon got over the tentative shyness and began seeing each other every week, then a couple of times a week and then talking every night on the phone when they hadn’t seen each other.  Trey noticed his dad seemed less morose and he liked it; he liked the teasing and the thoughtful little things his dad started doing again.  Trey had forgotten that his dad used to be fun.

Gary felt like he was constantly swimming over his head.  Everything was new and exhilarating to him; and addictive.   He’d been with Kim since he was 16 years old and had no idea how people dated.  There were times he felt so awkward he wanted to just call it all off, but he liked Leah so much and wanted to be with her enough to power through it.   Leah was great at sensing when he got stuck and would make a suggestion, or offer an invitation, to move things along.   She was a strong frontier woman and any thought that she was a delicate flower who depended on a man existed only because she created the impression,and made you think it was your idea to start with.

By the middle of January **,** it was clear their relationship was more than casual dating.  They sought each other out at every opportunity and missed each other when they were apart.   Gary was stuck.   He wanted more and knew Leah did too, but there were the boys to consider.  It was all well and good when they were casually dating, but to be together as they wanted to be would impact other people. 

Gary took the boys ice fishing for a weekend and screwed up his courage to talk to the boys about Leah. The rented hut was none too big but sturdy and had the bare necessities.  He pulled his backpack down off the hook and fiddled around with it, keeping his eyes on the thermos.

“Um … do you guys want some cocoa?”  Gary asked as he unscrewed the lid.

“Did you bring marshmallows?” Trey asked hopefully.

Gary shook his head in dismay, “Buddy, we’re roughing it.  No froo-froo condiments on this trip.  Real men don’t need marshmallows in their hot chocolate.”   He chuckled as he slipped the small Ziploc bag out of the backpack and plopped several in Trey’s cup.

“How about you, Donnie?  Do you not want marshmallows in your cocoa too?”  Gary grinned and held out a cup to his sullen 15 year old son.

Trey snickered when he took his mug from Gary and rolled his eyes, “I knew it.  You’d never forget marshmallows.”

“Donnie?  Cocoa?”  Gary repeated.

Donnie grunted non-committedly and Gary took it as a ‘yes’.   He threw a few extra marshmallows in the mug and held it out to his son.  Donnie reached for it but Gary didn’t let go.

“Let’s declare a truce this weekend, eh?  We’ll just be guys out fishing, eating too much junk food and not showering.  How’s that sound?”  He smiled as Donnie gave a slight nod and offered a tremulous smile.

With that hurdle out of the way, Gary pulled over his stool and baited his hook before dropping the line in the hole.   He jigged  a few times and took a deep breath.  “You know, there was … ah … there was something I wanted to tell you guys.  Some good news.”  He chewed on his lip and stole a glance at the boys.

Trey looked curious and Donnie’s face was on the scowly side of blank.

“So, you know how I’ve been hanging out with friends a lot more lately?”  Trey gave him a wolfish grin and Donnie rolled his eyes.   “Well … I … ah … I have met a lady and we like each other … and we’re … um … we’re dating.  I really care about her.”   He jigged the line and studied it with such concentration, he could almost move it with telekinesis. 

Trey hooted and fist pumped the air, “I KNEW IT.  I knew it.  Didn’t I tell you Donnie?  I told you!   Dad’s got a girlfriend, Dad’s got a girlfriend.  Wooohoooo.”  He  proclaimed!  

Donnie gave Trey and inscrutable look but was silent, he looked at his father with a completely blank expression and Gary had no idea what he was thinking or feeling. 

“You okay Donnie?  You’re pretty quiet.”

“I’m fine.  I kinda figured.  I mean … Dad, you’ve been wearing cologne and buying new clothes and whispering whenever you’re on the phone and we come in the room.  It’s not nuclear physics.”  Donnie shrugged and ducked his head to hide a snigger. 

Trey teased and taunted Gary for the rest of the weekend.  Donnie shook his head at his little brother’s immaturity and couldn’t stifle a pained groan when Trey sang “Dad and Leah up in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g”. 

Gary took it as a yellow light, if not green, to proceed with Leah.   He was delighted to call and invite her to go away with him for a weekend to celebrate Valentine’s Day.  He felt like a school boy, nervous, excited and painfully aroused. Valentine’s was going to be The Weekend; they would do IT.   He couldn’t believe how anxious he was about it all.  They’d gotten into some pretty passionate kissing, but every time the pants came off, he backed off.  He wasn’t a monk and he wanted Leah – badly – but thoughts of Kim and the boys would throw him off track and he couldn’t go further.

He was grateful for Leah’s patience and fully intended to make it up to her.  He was free to have a relationship with her and on Valentine’s there’d be no more holding back, no more waiting.

The day he dropped the boys off at Grandpa Garner’s house and picked up Leah to take her to the Inn on the Bay, he was jumpy with nervousness.   He’d only ever been with Kim and their last time had been over two years before.   He and Kim had made each other happy in the lovin’ department, he corrected himself, they’d made each other exceptionally happy in that area.  He knew what Kim liked and could make her squeal with delight with just a wiggle of his eyebrows and a smirk.  What would Leah like?  Maybe he thought he was better than he was.  He pushed down fears of inadequacy and focused on what he knew.

He needn’t have worried.  There was no lack of chemistry between Gary and Leah, everything turned out better than he hoped and when he kissed her goodnight at her apartment door, they were both happy and tired..  It was the opening game of the season but he was a quality team player with a near perfect record.   

Gary and Leah went out every weekend, taking in everything Indianapolis had to offer.  They stayed in and watched movies and read, discussing their favourite novels and poetry. 

Gary was not prone to comparing Leah to Kim but there were a few times when a thought would pop into his head unbidden.   Kim fully supported his love of literature and encouraged his writing but she didn’t share his passion for it.  Leah did share it and was passionate and opinionated, challenging him and pushing him to dig deeper. 

Trey took full advantage of his father’s distracted happy mood and bent as many rules as he could find, mostly for the sake of his music (for three months there wasn’t a concert in the state that he didn’t see).  Donnie didn’t snark at his father,but he didn’t open up either.  He was simply quiet and reserved around the house and spent more time at school, volunteering to film every game and sporting event.

They had an amazing spring break, even Donnie relaxed and directed them in funny vignettes which he filmed.  Leah and the Fullers spent the week in Disneyworld, celebrating their inner child.  The boys enjoyed Leah and were at least partially aware that her appeal had something to do with the changes in their dad.   He was more patient, open and much less grumpy than he had been before Leah started hanging around.  That made her tops in Trey’s books.   Donnie wasn’t quite as convinced as Trey but was willing to reap the benefits.

All three Fullers missed Leah when she went back home to Oklahoma for Easter.   They’d become used to being with her on weekends and it seemed weird for her not to hang out at their house.  It was the first time Gary and Leah had spent more than a day apart since Valentine’s day and he was antsy for her to get back. 

Leah called Gary when she was an hour away so that he could meet her at her apartment.  She had something to discuss with him and she hadn’t seen him in four days and needed _privacy_ , preferably several _privacies_.  She walked into the living room to find Gary sprawled out on the couch with wine and candles on the coffee table.  As soon as he saw her, he jumped up and pulled her in for a tight hug and a passionate kiss.

“Missed you.”  He said simply, resting his chin on the top of her head.   The overwhelming relief he felt with his arms around her made him resolve to not spend extended time apart again.  

“Mmm.  Me too.  What have you done to me?  I’m all mushy and full of floppy feelings!”  She chuckled. 

He looked down at her and smirked.  “Nothing yet, what would you like me to do to you?” 

Leah had a whole list of suggestions which he was more than happy to fulfill.  As they lay entwined in each other’s arms, Leah traced little circles on his arm.

“What?  You’re trying to figure how to tell me something.  What is it?”  Gary kissed her shoulder.

“I had an interesting meeting when I was home.”   She said quietly.

Gary stilled.  Interesting didn’t sound like something he was going to celebrate.  “Oh?”

Leah paused for a moment, nervous with Gary for the first time in months.  “Two, actually.  I had a couple of interviews with the Principal of MacElroy High School.”

Gary pulled away from her and stared.  He felt the earth dip and the room slip out from under him.

“He told me something and then he offered me a full time job in senior English.”  She continued when she heard his strangled ‘oh’.  “Yeah, and there are two positions opening up at the Silverton high school in the next town over.”

“Well, I guess it’s nice for you to have different jobs to choose from.”  He said quietly.

Leah swatted him and laughed.  “The jobs in Silverton aren’t for me, silly.  They’re for you!   Gary, I’m asking if you’d like to move to Oklahoma with me.”

He looked into her expectant eyes and nodded, “Yes.  YES.  Leah, I really do.”  A fresh start with a wonderful woman in a small town sounded just about perfect.  “Who do I call for an interview?”

She snickered, “My Uncle Matthew.  He’s the Vice Principal in Silverton and what the Principal doesn’t know is that he’s going to retire soon and he’s supposed to be hiring a new English teacher but he’s also on the lookout for a new VP too.”

“Is us being a couple a help or a harm to my chances?”

“Help.  Definitely a help.”  

“I like the sound of that.  Do we dare have a little early celebration?”

“Dare away, Mr. Fuller.”  She giggled and nibbled on his lip.

 

Gary didn’t tell Trey or Donnie about the potential move right away, wanting to have an offer in his hand before he broached the possibility of moving with his 13 and 15 year old sons.He emailed his resume and had a Skype interview with Leah’s uncle before flying down to Silverton to meet with him in person.  The job was his if he wanted it.  He would teach English and be on the short list for VP as soon as Matthew announced his retirement. 

Gary and Leah talked about all of the implications of moving to Oklahoma together. It was exciting and scary and so much of it was unknown.   Gary decided to accept the job,but not to live together right away.  He loved Leah, but wasn’t ready to ask her to marry him and anything less was unfair to his sons.

The evening Gary told Donnie and Trey they were moving was met with stony silence and then blunt refusals.   All of the standard reasons children don’t want to move applied: friends, school, etc., and the most powerful reason was unspoken: leaving the last house they were all together as a family.  It meant selling Mom’s house with the growth chart on the door jamb and trees Mom planted and the bedrooms where she sat with them when they were sick.  It meant leaving The Grands and everything they knew.  

Gary was patient and met all of their objections the best he could but ultimately, it wasn’t a democracy and it was up to Gary to make the big decisions.  The burden of making unpopular choices was a weight he didn’t enjoy; he was treated like the enemy enough as it was.   Moving to Oklahoma was good for everybody; it was just a case of it not being something the kids had enough life experience or perspective to understand yet.  

Gary signed the contract and began the process of selling up their Indiana home and clearing out Kim’s apartment.  Trey and Donnie wanted no part of helping or the move and made no bones about it.  They dragged their feet at every turn and were as unhelpful as they could be without risking punishment.   Despite the annoyance of their stalling, by the first of August they had boxes waiting to be unpacked in their new home in Silverton.   Gary had the kids enrolled in their new schools and was exhilarated by the new world of opportunities before them.

It was a busy fall with huge adjustments for everybody.  New curriculum, new regulations and all of the hassles of moving kept Gary so busy he barely had time for Leah or the boys.  The good news was that Donnie found his niche in the Media club, earning respect for his skill with filming and editing.   He hadn’t forgiven his father for moving them and despised going to the same high school where his dad taught, which made time around the dinner table passively hostile. 

Trey was a novelty in 8th grade, both boys and girls impressed with his ‘mad guitar skills’.  He was a popular boy with a hectic social life and little time for his moody older brother or his frazzled father.  He’d wait until the dust settled before spending much time at home.

By the new year they’d settled in to a routine of sorts.  Principal Sumpter kept Gary busy and tested him by adding one-off tasks to his responsibilities.  Gary kept meaning to hire a housekeeper but never seemed to have the time to actually do it.  The housework was divided up between the three of them, much to the displeasure of each.  At the best of times the boys were lackadaisical with their chores,but with the added complications of Donnie’s resentment and Trey’s active social life, their performance could generously be described as substandard.  It became a constant sore spot in the house with Gary’s daily frustration and recriminations creating an air of resentment and animosity.

Gary and Leah found a comfortable schedule which eased Gary’s mood considerably.  It had been a tough winter but spring warmed more than the temperature outside with Gary feeling lighter and more optimistic than he had in ages.  Summer was a few months away and he planned to take the whole crew camping, hoping to mend some fences with his kids.

During Easter it dawned on him that it had been a year since he and Leah decided to begin their Oklahoma adventure and he wanted to celebrate.  One anniversary stirred memories of others and there were many to consider:  soon it would be three years since Kim died;  two years since he met Leah; and a year since he picked up his family and moved several states away from home.  He had a great girlfriend, a good job in a good school, a nice house and two beautiful sons.   Life was good.

Graduation day was perfect.  They’d all made it out of finals and report cards alive, Gary helped out with the ceremony, he even had two students emotionally declare that they would miss him and he had plans with his girlfriend and sons.   He was filing the last of the mess from his desk when a thought struck him, after they got back from camping, he was going to get a dog!

Camping wasn’t quite the ecstatic experience he hoped it would be.   He was slightly disappointed that their camping gear wasn’t up to the task of housing four people for two weeks so he booked a cabin.  As it turned out, that substitute choice was fortuitous.  It rained every day, sometimes for hours at a stretch.   Being cabin bound frazzled patience and occasionally sent tempers flaring; the boys unable to stay off each other’s nerves.   Leah was conscious of the lack of privacy and with a sorry smile said no to everything other than hugging with her boyfriend.  Gary was frustrated in more ways than one, becoming snappish and short tempered.

He barked orders as if he was coaching the football team and not a single member of their party appreciated his gruff authoritarianism.  By the third day of Grumpy Gary, Trey, Donnie and Leah were ready to mutiny. 

Leah tossed down the remains of her Uno cards and sighed heavily.   Drumming her fingers on the table, she stared out the window at the weak sun trying to break through the clouds.  Her only consolation was that it stopped raining.   She stole a look at the Fuller boys and nearly laughed out loud: they looked worse than she felt.

Gary was the worst of the lot with a face that could curdle milk.  She got up and stretched, humming to herself, and casually strolled over to the back of Gary’s chair.   Trey looked up at her questioningly and she quickly mimed universal “shhhh” sign.

Trey supressed a smile, wondering what Leah was up to.  

“What?  What’s the matter now?”  Gary grumbled.  Behind him Leah shook her head and mimed “shhhh” again.

“Oh nuthin’, Dad.  Thought I saw a spider, that’s all.  Your turn.  Blues or sevens.”  Trey said with easy innocence.     After a moment he peeked up at Leah who was grinning from ear to ear.

Leah tapped her watch and held up her hand, splaying five fingers out.  

Trey coughed and nodded.  “Five, huh?   I can do fives.”   He said to his dad and then winked at Leah.

Leah smiled and leaned down to kiss Gary on the top of his head.   “I’m done for Uno for a while.  Anyone see my book?  I think I’ll go read on the dock for a while.  The sun might even come out.”   She poked around the cabin looking for her book.

Trey pursed his lips together tightly trying to contain a smile because Leah had the book in her hand within seconds but was clearly looking for something else.    After a minute she exclaimed, “Ah hah!  Here it is.  Excellent.  Need anything before I go read?”

“No. I don’t know why you want to go read out there.  It’s damp and the chairs are probably still wet.”  Gary groused.   He chewed on his lip and then brightened.  “Of course, we could go for a walk if you want?   Might be nice for the boys to get us old folks out of their hair for a while.” He brightened considerably.   A “walk” was exactly what the old folks needed.

Leah quickly, quietly and stealthily pocketed the car keys and replied cheerily, “That sounds great.  I’ll just read a chapter or two and then maybe we can go for a walk.”  She grabbed an apple from the counter and tossed it into the air before catching it and taking a big bite out of it.   As the screen door slammed behind her she turned and wiggled her eyebrows at Trey.

Gary paced around the cabin, trying to think of a chore to give the boys so that they would be fully occupied for an hour or so.   They’d been doing little more than chores, cards, board games (ha!  Bored games) for the last two days.   The harder he tried to come up with something, the grouchier he got.  He had a flash of inspiration!

“Screens! You guys want to use your phones or the iPad or watch tv or something?  I know we said no screens this week but you’ve been good sports and I think you could have a couple of hours of screens without your brains turning to rot.  Trey?  Hey, Donnie where’s Trey?  He was here a minute ago.”

“Dunno Dad.  Maybe down to the dock.  He had a glass of water and put lemon in it, maybe he’s taking it to Leah.”   Donnie shrugged.

Gary looked out the window and thought he could see the two of them down at the dock.  He shook his head and ran his fingers through his hair.  His son had more alone time with his girlfriend than he did. 

A few minutes later Trey casually strolled into the cabin, whistling.   Gary rolled his eyes and wondered what mischief he was up to.  Donnie was sure to pay the price of whatever ridiculousness Trey was contemplating.   He was tired of running interference for them, they’d just have to figure this one out for themselves.   He decided to go for a walk and scout out nice places to … rest.

As soon as he was out of sight, Trey cawed like a blue jay out the back door and Leah came running.

“What’s going on?  Do I even want to know?”  Donnie rolled his eyes and looked at his brother as if he were the lamest brother on the planet.

“Grab your wallet and get ready to run to the car.  We’re dumping Grumpy and heading into town.”  Trey snickered.

Leah scrambled back into the cabin and darted into the bathroom, emerging a minute later with a devious grin on her face.

“Let get going while the getting’s good.   C’mon boys, take the lead out!”   She laughed and raced to the door.

They jumped in the car and Leah spun gravel as she peeled out of the driveway.  They rolled down the windows, hooting and hollering as Leah laid on the horn.  

Gary was close enough to hear noise but not enough to make out what they were saying.   It sounded like they were having fun, which made him scowl more.  He wanted to be having fun.   With a sigh he accepted his fate, there would be no fun until they got home.

“Hullo?  Where is everybody?”  Gary called as he stood with arms akimbo in the kitchen of the empty cabin.

He peeked into the bedrooms and found nothing out of order.  He looked out the window and saw that the car was gone.   He should have offered to run whatever errand Kim was off doing.  He felt guilty for not being more thoughtful during the disastrous week.

He stopped dead in his tracks when he passed the door of the bathroom.   Scribbled in soap on the mirror he read:

 

I have your children.

They will be released unharmed

if you promptly pay the ransom.

The price of their freedom is

NO MORE SCOWLING!

Signed,

Your friendly neighborhood kidnapper

 

Gary laughed and vowed to lighten up for the rest of the trip.   It had been a chilly summer of cold shoulders, icy stares and frigid attitudes and he was having no more of it.  The trickle-down theory had some merit: if he changed things at the top, hopefully patience and humour would benefit everyone.

Gary hired a housekeeper which significantly eased tensions.  There were more smiles and less impatient huffs.  The previous year’s routine reaction of when every word he said was met with condescending silence; every request with work-to-rule resentment lessened significantly.  They were on the right path, finally!

The week before school resumed Gary received good news.  Leah’s uncle was retiring and the position of Vice Principal was Gary’s if he wanted it.  He wanted!  He thoroughly enjoyed Silverton High School and it looked like the 2013-14 school year could be his best yet.

On the first day of school Gary smiled; both boys in high school, a good job, a good house, a great housekeeper and an even better girlfriend.  Life was good!    And hectic.  He was unbelievably busy at school, refining his lesson plans and adjusting to the demands of the Vice Principal’s role. 

At the end of September the football coach had to take the rest of the term off for a herniated disc, leaving the team in the lurch.  With Gary’s previous experience, he was the first round draft pick to assume coaching duties.  If he was busy before, he was even more so with football.

Days would go by where he passed the boys in the morning on their way to the bus or wearily sighed at them at night to clean up their dinner dishes.   Gary was constantly on the run from one duty to the next and had little time for going out on dates or to non-essential events.  He preferred to stay home with Leah and relax with a glass of wine.  Leah was restless, but he promised things would be better when football season was over.

 

By the end of October Gary was at the end of his rope.  Life at home was tense and unpleasant with the boys again, for which he assumed 80% of the responsibility.  He knew he was impatient with them, but they weren’t making it easy.  They were back to fighting him on everything and constantly criticized him, the thought of which made him snort because that was the same which they said about him.  If he frustrated them half as much as they frustrated him, he could understand a bit of their attitude. 

The ongoing tension at home trickled over to his relationship with Leah.  Too often he was tired or frustrated and Leah’s patience with his increasing negativity waned.  She tried to be empathetic but Gary never seemed to have any energy for them and his constant complaints about minor things were getting to her.  Donnie left at least one dish in the sink every single time it was his turn to do dishes; Trey didn’t replace the bag when he dumped the trash; Donnie didn’t do this; Trey didn’t do that.  There was always something.

By Thanksgiving, things weren’t going well with Leah.   His schedule and exasperation with the boys wore them down.  Leah had an active social life in her home town and wasn’t happy about it, but let him rest when he didn’t feel like going out and went on without him.  Seeing each other four nights a week trickled down to weekends and then down to weekends but not always both Friday and Saturday nights.  

While he was doing his Christmas shopping he realized that they had grown apart in the last couple of months.   He’d thought by that point they would have been engaged, or maybe even married, but instead they were closer to drifting apart than spending the rest of their lives together. 

What alarmed him was his distinct lack of panic at the thought of it.   He cared deeply for her, he loved her, but at that moment he couldn’t imagine them married.  The impassioned promise of making things better when they were camping struck him like a blow.   He’d done little to nothing in terms of making her, or the boys, feel wanted and appreciated.  He wasn’t waiting for New Year’s to make a resolution, he vowed to change that very day.

He bought funny little pre-Christmas gifts for all three of them and stopped by the grocery store to pick up fixings for his famous chicken cacciatore.   He’d make dinner for Leah and the boys and give them his best rather than his leftovers.

The kids were sceptical about the changes they saw in Gary but eventually came to trust that the more patient, friendlier, more present guy living with them was there to stay.   Gone were the barked orders and “not now” brush offs.  Leah was delighted in the return of the guy she fell for.  Together they had a wonderful Christmas and a very happy New Year’s Eve.

Return to school after the Christmas break yielded a big surprise.  Principal Sumpter had transferred to another school in the district and they now had Principal Walker leading the ship.   Walker was a strict authoritarian with his staff and students, dramatically altering the spirit of the school.  As Vice Principal, Gary’s workload was tripled, the number of student discipline meetings were through the roof, and far too often for things which either never would have happened under Principal Sumpter or wouldn’t have required more than a stern look.

Gary no longer had time during the day for lesson prep or marking so all of it got shoved in his briefcase and taken home.   He did his best to be involved with the boys but found himself slipping into old patterns of “not now” and “can’t you see I’m busy”, feeling guilty every single time it happened.

Walker was out to make a name for himself, or so Gary suspected.  One of his pet projects was the school budget; specifically reducing it.   Supplies and expenses which were previously allotted for were slashed; substitute teachers were not always called, meaning other teachers had to take over classes; and ideas which required even a small amount of seed money were immediately thrown out.    Walker demanded more for less and relied on his teachers to give it to him.  Heaven help the person who questioned his decisions or authority; Walker brooked no dissent amongst the ranks.

 

For Valentine’s Day Gary took Leah away for a weekend in Tulsa.  Leah entered their room to find roses, chocolates and chilled champagne just waiting for her.

“You did all of this for me?”  She grinned and threw her arms around Gary’s neck and kissed him passionately.

 “Mmmhmmm.   I done good?”  He tilted his head and smirked as she rolled her eyes.

 “Ahhhh yeah!  I’d say you done real good.”  She kissed him again tenderly and sighed when his hands ghosted down her back to pull her hips closer to him.  She chuckled and said, “How about you make yourself comfortable while I freshen up a bit?”

Gary nodded and raised an eyebrow, “Just don’t take too long or I may have to come in after you!”

She laughed and sauntered away, grabbing her valise and blowing him a kiss as she shut the bathroom door behind her.   She emerged several minutes later in a diaphanous silk and lace confection designed to tempt and tease.  

Leah frowned as Gary growled into the phone.  It sounded like he was having an argument with one of the kids.    He turned to see her there and his eyes widened in appreciation as he abruptly ended the conversation and stared at Leah.

“Sounded stressful.  How about I give you a little massage to ease your tensions?”  Leah purred.

“I’d like that very much.  You can ease my tensions any time.”  He smouldered and made her giggle.

Leah gave him a back rub and worked the knots out of his muscles.  She leaned down to kiss him only to discover that he was sound asleep.  After a nap, Gary woke rested and intent on making restitution to Leah many times over.

They had a lovely weekend with only a couple of interruptions from the boys.  Leah could see Gary trying to be patient but on the second call he failed miserably and hung up with a frustrated “I’m busy, don’t call me again unless you’re bleeding.”

 

Winter was on the cusp of spring and Leah stood back to take a long look at her relationship with Gary.  They’d been together for over two and a half years and were in the same spot as when they moved to Oklahoma nearly two years before.   She could no longer make excuses that Gary’s busyness was circumstantial or temporary.  She loved Gary, Donnie and Trey, but couldn’t imagine spending the rest of her life with someone who was constantly in a rush without enough time for her or the boys. 

Gary was who he was and he was never going to change.  Her Momma always said, there were only three reasons a person changed: traumatic life experience; years of intense psychotherapy; or a full frontal lobotomy.   Since none of those things were likely to happen, she had to accept him as he was or not at all.   It broke her heart that her first instinct was ‘not at all’.  She spent the next two weeks watching him closely, hoping to prove herself wrong.   Her stomach twisted in knots because he was harried by a principal in a school she had brought him to and she was going to walk away.   After Sunday dinner with the Fullers Leah was in tears, devastated by the knowledge that she’d have to walk away from the boys. 

The following Wednesday was the first free night they had together.  They went for a walk along the river and it was with a heavy heart that Leah told Gary that it was time for them to part.  He stared at her in dumb silence, waiting for her to say it was a joke,but she didn’t.    He nodded and asked if she was sure and nodded again when she said she was.   They hugged and cried, assuring each other that they could still be friends.  

Donnie and Trey were shocked when Gary explained that he and Leah were no longer dating.  Donnie glared at Gary and stormed off to his room, slamming the door.  Trey scowled and shook his head, angry and hurt that Leah was leaving them.  They blamed their Dad; if he’d been a better boyfriend, Leah would still be with them.

The boys barely spoke to Gary for the rest of the week.  He understood their disappointment, he felt it too.  Even though he no longer thought that he and Leah would end up married, he cared about her deeply and missed her terribly.   He felt the loss in his way as the boys did in theirs,but by Sunday dinner he’d had enough of the silent treatment and attempted to engage them.

“Principal Walker asked me to take over the organization of the graduation.  I was wondering if you guys would do the filming for that and for the 25 year video time capsule.”  Gary said.

Donnie rolled his eyes and said nothing, pushing the peas around his plate with a fork.

“How much will you pay us?”  Trey asked.

Gary shook his head, “Room and board, buddy, just room and board.”

“Can I do all the girls?” 

“Trey.  Not a chance big guy!  Donnie?  Are you up for it?”

Donnie shrugged, “If I can do it my way, I guess.”

“There are some guidelines but I think you can have creative input.”  Gary hoped he wasn’t crossing any of Principal Walker’s lines because that man was a control freak.

“Fine.”

“Do you guys want to talk about Leah or maybe go see her?”

Donnie’s flew open wide and he glared at Gary and swore under his breath, “What’s the point?  She’s gone.  She’s never coming back.  Been there, done that.”   He shoved his chair back and bolted from the table. 

“Donnie.  Come back here.  We need to talk.”  Gary called out after him.

Donnie didn’t go back to the table and in the next two weeks the cold war between Gary and Donnie escalated.   They barely spoke to each other and when they did it was single syllables.  Something had to give; Gary couldn’t continue with the stress and pace at work and at home all at the same time.    He found a counsellor over in Claremore and made an appointment.

Donnie met with Dr. Kress every week, the first couple of weeks with no progress due to his unwillingness to talk about his feelings. His responses were limited to: ‘doesn’t matter’; ‘what’s the difference’; and ‘whatever you say Doctor’.

Dr. Kress brought Gary in for a session and found the father nearly as closed off as his son but gained valuable insights into Donnie.   The Fullers were a family in pain and Dr. Kress was committed to helping them if they’d let him.

They talked extensively about Donnie’s relationship with his mother and especially on the guilt he felt for how he treated her the last months and last night of her life.   They were making some headway but it was slow going, hindered by Donnie’s refusal to forgive himself for something he had no way of understanding at the time.

Kim had never made Donnie feel bad about the way he treated her; she never complained, she never stopped reaching out to him.  Instead of accepting that she understood what he was going through, Donnie chose to believe she deserved better than him and he couldn’t forgive himself for that.  It never dawned on him that he was treating his father the same way he treated his mother.

Dr. Kress held several group family sessions for each of the Fuller’s to express their feelings about the loss in their lives and how it impacted them.   Dr. Kress wanted them to resolve the past so that they could move forward with a healthy future but they weren’t making it easy on themselves or each other.

Gary buried himself in work; Trey tried to make peace in the family by being funny; and Donnie buried himself in his camera work.  They were pulling in three directions and unable, or unwilling, to meet in the middle. 

Gary was inordinately stressed at work, his boss was an unyielding, controlling man intent on rising by stepping on the backs of those under him.  He explained all of this to Dr. Kress who wanted to help him cope with the hostile work environment, but more importantly, to help him reconnect with his sons before it was too late and they moved on for good.

The week before graduation, Dr. Kress slammed his clipboard down on his knee and told Gary, point blank, that there was no ‘next month’ or ‘next year’;  Donnie was in crisis and needed his father immediately.   If his job was interfering too much with his ability to parent, then he had to get a new job because the opportunity to heal his son’s wounds was slipping through his fingers.

Gary took a long, hard look at his life and his family and knew Dr. Kress was right.  His relationship with Leah failed because he was always needing to ‘make it up to her’ that he was busy and distracted.   He knew Donnie was still hurting over his mother’s death – he was still hurting over his mother’s life.   One bit of information he had managed to glean during their group sessions made Gary weep: Donnie was relieved that his Mom was killed by a drunk driver because that meant it wasn’t his fault for making her cry and drive into the ditch because of him.

Gary planned a trip back to Indianapolis and they would leave the day after school ended.  They’d take their time and drive, talking and talking and talking until they couldn’t talk any more.  Gary would make sure he didn’t coach football in the fall and if Principal Walker was still going to be a dick, he’d apply to another school in the area.  Maybe he’d do that anyway because the boys didn’t want to go to high school with their Dad and he couldn’t really blame them.

He just needed to get through graduation, clean up the last two days of school and then he would have several weeks to devote solely to his sons.   He felt his burdens lighten just thinking about it.   And when they got back from Indiana, they would definitely be getting that dog – no more waiting.  In fact, maybe they`d get one when they were in Indiana so they could bring a piece of home back with them.  That sounded even better.

The day of Silverton High School graduation dawned bright and sunny.  Gary finished up the last of the report cards he`d been working on as he listened to the news and drank his morning coffee.   Donnie was still filming some B Roll for the time capsule as he walked into the kitchen.

“Dad is the vice principal of Silverton High School, which is not the greatest situation for me.”

Gary glanced up at Donnie’s camera and shook his head, “Hey.  Come on, I’m having breakfast here.  Trey, I’m leaving in 5, ready or not.”

Trey called out from upstairs, “Relax.”

“Wanna say something for the video, Dad?”  Donnie asked.

“Not now Donnie, okay?  Busy day, can’t you see that?”

“Dad it was your idea to do the time capsule in the first place!”

Gary caught the news bulletin on the tv and shook his head at the storm warnings, “Weather’s going to kill the graduation ceremony.  We should postpone it.”   He put his dishes in the sink and gathered up all of his work stuff, juggling the bin and his keys on the way to the car.  He’d told Principal Walker that it wasn’t a good idea to hold the grad ceremony outdoors, but no, Walker wouldn’t hear of changing it.  It was his way, or the highway.  

Walking out the door, Trey spoke into one of Donnie’s video cameras, “Okay.  Time capsule interview take number two.   What can of man am I?  That’s a hard question to answer.  I mean, how do you describe perfection?”

Donnie rolled his eyes at his brother, “I thought you did your interview already.”

“I did, yesterday afternoon, but then I remembered I look way better in the morning light.”  He tossed his hair dramatically and looked over at his Dad, struggling to get all of his stuff into the car.  “Lift with your legs, Dad.

“C’mon you guys, I could use some help here.”  Gary said, frustrated that Trey was filming him but not lending a hand and Donnie was messing around with his bike.

“Ah, man I can’t. That old soccer injury thing … my back.”  Trey said.

“Yuh, did you get all that on camera?”   Gary was not in the mood for the Trey’s dramatics.

“I did.”  Trey said, proudly.

“Good.  Get in.”  Gary retorted.

Trey called out, “Shot gun.”

“Donnie, let’s go.”  Gary looked over to Donnie who was still fiddling with his bike.

“I’m taking my bike Dad.”  Donnie didn’t meet his father’s eyes. “Trey, just chill.  If you want shot gun just take it.”

“Hey look, I’m sorry.  With the storm and the graduation today, I’ve got a lot on my mind.”  Gary tried to explain.

“You know Dad, it’s fine.  I’m kind of used to it.”

“What does that mean?”   Gary stopped and stared at Donnie.

“It means you’re either ignoring me or you’re completely on my case.  No, no, no, really it’s either my grades or this stupid time capsule thing, which I’m working my ass off trying to get done.”  Donnie shook his head at his father who opened his mouth to interrupt.  “No, what’s the point?  Nothing’s ever good enough for you!”

“Let’s stop for a second and talk.” Gary pleaded with Donnie.  Everything Dr. Kress had told him was true and it was right in front of his eyes, if only he’d stopped to look he could see the depth of pain his son was in.

“Busy day, Dad.  Can’t you see that?”  Donnie said flippantly, turning Gary’s words back on him as he drove away on his bike.

Trey whistled, “Alright, Dad.  Dad, right at this moment, and don’t even think about it before you answer, just blurt it out, who is your favorite son?”

Gary was exasperated, he loved Trey’s humor and irreverence but not at that moment, “Get in the car.”

Gary and Trey got in the car and shut the doors.  As Gary started the ignition all he could think about was that the end of school couldn’t come fast enough.  He would not give up until his sons, both of them, knew how much they were loved and that they would be Gary’s priority from then on; not his job; not the football team; not the time capsule; not the principal; nothing would take priority over their family.

He was so glad it was the last day of school.  In a few hours he and his boys would start to really reconnect.

They just had to get through graduation.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Knowing the conversation Donnie has with Kaitlyn in the water, there was little chance for a fluffy, carefree backstory. Hopefully as this prequel ends, and knowing how the movie closes, you will feel the optimism and strength of Gary and his family. I deeply appreciate every minute you've spent reading! Thank you for sharing your time with me.


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